For those of you who have followed my blog at all – you know that my life can be chaotic and insane. For those of you who are seeing my blog for the first time – my life is chaotic and insane. Ha ha. I started this blog months ago knowing that I wanted to make changes in my life. I wanted to take control. I wanted to accomplish so many things in the past year. My goal page was an ambitious one. There were a lot of big and little changes. And I have blogged about everything here from my failures, my successes, and my challenges, to my thoughts and feelings. It’s been an up and down roller coaster ride this year. I have faced such things as sleep deprivation, illness, unexpected large bills, insane schedules, and failure. But also this year so far I have seen new friendships form, unexpected gifts, great insight, opportunities open up, and growth.
Sometimes I look at all the things on my plate and think “I can do this” and other times I look at everything and simply want to go curl up in bed in the fetal position and wake up in my next life. I have shared with friends what my days are like and many of them shake their heads and tell me I am amazing. But then all I have to do is talk to my mother and she tells me to just suck it up and get on with it – that is life. I think it falls somewhere in the middle. There are those who don’t face the challenges I am facing, but there are also those out there having a much rougher time than I am. Which I guess is the way it always is in life.
Right now, I am at the turning point, ending point, beginning point of many things. Some major things are coming to an end, some big things are starting, and some changes are happening. The wheel is turning and I am trying to turn with it. Some of the things I am facing right now is the possibility that the apartments we live in may be condemned, we are trying to find a new place to live, I will be changing from night shift to day shift which may or may not involve changing jobs, I am bringing to a close a court case where I was being sued for a large amount of money. I am helping my two sons adjust to the school year with one in his first year of high school, and the other adjusting to second grade. Which may not seem like a big deal, but when dealing with a special needs child – it is. We are fighting an epic battle of the fleas at our apartment which is consuming a lot of time and money. When it all falls on me to deal with all the money, all the banking, all the budgeting, all the appointments, all the shopping, all the driving, all the scheduling, all the organization, all the homework, and a variety of other things I can’t remember right now – it all sounds a little insane. But that being said – part of me looks at it like my mom does and thinks – this is just life so suck it up and do it.
Change is hard – change can be scary. I am one who likes to stay in their comfort zone. The thought of moving, changing jobs, changing my schedule – all that is scary to me. I spend a lot of time playing the “what if” game. What if we can’t get into the new apartment? What if I can’t find a new job? What if I don’t like my new job? What if I can’t deal with all the people after spending 6 years working alone? What if purple dinosaurs in pink tutus fall from the sky? I’m good at that game. I have a real talent for coming up with what ifs. And soooo much of it is beyond my control. I think that’s the scariest part of it – the things that are beyond my control. So I combat that with calendars, and spreadsheets, and planners, and timelines, and a variety of other controlling mechanisms. But when it all comes down to it – what is going to happen will happen and I just have to happen with it. I have found that over the year so far, I have gotten much better at laughing at it. I have gotten much better at accepting things. I am learning (finally) that everything isn’t the end of the world. I am learning to recognize when I am edging towards that maniacal stress level and back off. Now, I doubt I will ever be that serene ship sailing gently through raging storms. But maybe I won’t be that little cork being thrown around in a hurricane either. Maybe not quite Martha Stewart, but hopefully better than Rosanne. I may not have all the answers, I may not always get it right, but I will sometimes. And sometimes, you just have to accept that.